Starbucks we’re not

Ah coffee: That pleasant morning addiction in which we all luxuriate. Would the world stop turning without the aroma of that caffeine-delivering beverage floating deliciously through the air? I don’t think we want to find out. How did we ever live without Starbucks?

Easy. We brewed our own.

I was thinking about this most delightful of topics this morning as I was cleaning up the debris from a bad brew. A catastr-offee: Mr. Coffee regurgitated all over the counter. The culprit? I don’t know why these things happen. Probably the beans were ground too fine, maybe the filter was tipped, most likely—and at the top of my fecal roster this morning—the little instant-gratification switch wasn’t hitched just right. Instant disaster!

I recall my Grandmothers pot. It was a chrome auto-perk—sleek. It would have made a dandy projectile. That thing went from zero to coffee in about thirty minutes. Blazing fast for the day. I know Mr. Coffee will deliver in about ten minutes but I never saw that auto-perk foul up like this one did. Of course it could have been afraid to do so—Grandma NEEDED that coffee in the morning. Just like the rest of us.

So imagine me. Bleary eyed, stumbling, trying to wipe up a counter I can’t see and rescue the counter things and the onion bin and the other odds and ends people keep on their counters—no cursing, just thinking really dark thoughts…all because of a little switch that allows the impatient coffee pot user/coffee drinker to ‘steal’ a cup before the whole pot is finished brewing. This is reprehensible, even if there is a high consumer demand for it.

1. It breed impatience
Seriously, you can’t wait five minutes for the pot to finish? Like you’re not going to just catch a little catnap standing there anyway?

2. It ruins the pot
Laugh if you want. Most of the caffeine in a pot of coffee is in the first cup (don’t ask me to back that up. I read a study somewhere and it stuck in this junkpile of a mind of mine.) If you steal the first cup you’re shorting the rest of the junkies behind you.

3. It’s faulty
No one should be allowed to stop the natural flow of coffee into the pot. Someone could get hurt stumbling around the kitchen cleaning up the messes made by these tiny valves. It’s heretical. It’s downright, I don’t know, catholic. Why do we need a mediator between us and the coffee?

Fortunately the ol’ coffee filter in the funnel trick rescued a couple of cups otherwise there’s no telling what might have happened. (Spitting grounds? I’m not proud.)

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2 responses to “Starbucks we’re not

  1. >>Most of the caffeine in a pot of coffee is in the first cup (don’t ask me to back that up. I read a study somewhere and it stuck in this junkpile of a mind of mine.) If you steal the first cup you’re shorting the rest of the junkies behind you.>>

    The very fact that you read an article about caffine concentration in coffee is scary. In twenty years there will be lawsuits over the addictive nature of coffee…the manufacturers know it. There’s a memo somewhere…A concerted conspiracy to trash an otherwise perfectly good morning when the coffee maker rebels.

    Been there, brother. You have my prayers.

  2. Pardon the rant. It’s filler while I work out the final details on the next and possibly last Mark 9 article.

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